Do I want to paint? Write? I just sat in front of a blank canvas for like 5 minutes. Fuck it, now I’m in front of a blank document. I’ll write. It’s been a minute since I sat down to write on my laptop. Let’s see what comes out. See what needs to come out…. Hmm. Fear. That’s the first thing that needs to come out. Fear. It’s a good one for Halloween time. Fuck you fear.
Fear: I feel like it’s a common thing for people to talk about these days. Like some sort of buzzword. How “fear” is the driving factor in so many of our day to day decisions. How “fear” is this green goblin that sits in the back of our heads steering us to choose this over that or that over this. It’s true though: that when we live in fear, we make decisions based from that fear. Fear is anxiety for the future, it’s worrying what other people will think of you, there’s fear of if you’ll be accepted by others, make enough money, be worthy enough. All of that fun stuff. Except it’s not actually that fun to live in fear.
Fear is like 99% of what stops me/ anyone from doing ANYTHING. It’s the hardest part to get over in the creative process. In fact, I just witnessed it happening to the little boy I nanny for last week. We were painting, and I was explaining to little Brady that “art is so cool because it’s so personal to each individual human and it doesn’t matter if it’s good or not, it just matters if you made it your own – and if you’re happy with it!” And I kid you not, he says to me, “But what if other people don’t like it?” He’s 4. It’s innate. This desire to be accepted by our peers. And it shows in our actions. In the clothes we wear and the jobs we get. I know I’m not supposed to judge people by their cover, but I swear I can almost tell how much fear someone lives in based off of the clothes they wear and the jobs they have. Because it’s there – when you get deep enough down into the CORE of why you do what you do. It’s there.
And I’m not going to lie, I think I’ve been living in a lot of fear lately. It’s been getting to me! It’s been causing me to play it safe, and doubt myself and my abilities. It’s probably why I haven’t published my book yet, or why I didn’t just put any paint or pencil to my canvas. I had some ideas of what I wanted to paint, but I didn’t go for it, because I was thinking about which one was going to “look the best” – for others. Why don’t I just paint what’s going to make me the happiest to paint? Fear is thinking that what you’re creating, is not going to be good enough for the world. That what you write, paint, photograph, design, etc.. is not ENOUGH for anyone in the world to recognize or buy or congratulate you on. Fear is so silly.
So how do you get over fear? Get past it more like? Well, I think you just say fuck it, and GO FOR IT. Obviously, I had to write about it, to remind myself that I know I shouldn’t let fear get in my way of what I want to write or paint or create. And I mean, I still have it to an extent. Do I think about how this isn’t an incredible insightful post, or how I could be writing about brain waves and genetic expression to make myself seem more intelligent? Or literally how ANY other topic to write about would be better than this topic? Yes, yes I do. But I’m not going to lie, my fingers just haven’t stopped moving since I allowed them to start, so obviously they (they meaning my fingers who feel like they have a mind of their own at this current moment) needed to write about this topic. But that’s how I know to keep going. Because I’m not writing for anyone else. I’m writing for myself. To possibly visualize my internal world, externally, to really SEE what’s been going on. It’s been fear. And I think the best artists, creators, teachers, writers, etc, can live a life without fear, and create without inhibitions.
So I’m going to say FUCK YOU FEAR, and now that I’ve written about it, I think I’m going to start my painting!! Maybe I’ll look into publishing too. Weee!